FRIENDSHIP AND SEXUAL GENEROSITY: THE SAVIOUR OF RELATIONSHIPS.

When I write about sex, it is obviously for the benefit of our relationships and families. But at the back of my mind, I am aware that it will take more than sex education to fix a crumbling relationship. Sure. When you hear therapists and marriage councilors talk about spicing up your relationships, they are assuming- just like I do- that every other necessary structure that will enable this spicing is already in place. But in the real world, we know that is not always the case.As you know, long term relationships are characterized by couples who barely tolerate each other. People who have been in such relationships describe it as living under the same roof with a total stranger. You share the same space but mentally, you are in different worlds. Sadly, that is very common and not at all unusual. It is a human condition.

Fixing your relationship is something that will require all of your own effort- and perhaps a little prompting from any relationship councilor or better still, my humble self. We will be talking about the conditions that need to be in place for great long term sex and romance to flourish. Friendship comes first. If you are always fighting with your partner, it is difficult to be sexual with one another. If for instance, a woman feels maltreated or neglected in a relationship, she is not going to be in the mood for sex- at least not with her official lover. In the same vein, if a man is feeling overly criticized and unappreciated, he cannot be in a loving mood. There is something I try to practice with my woman. If she pisses me off, I let her know. I am never the kind of person to carry a grudge. It poisons me. If I am not happy about something, I make it known and the very process of voicing it lifts half of the burden; the whole idea being to resolve the conflict immediately. Because I am aware of the benefits of speaking out, I try to initiate a dialogue aimed at conflict resolution whenever I notice that she is moody. It might take a little while for her to talk but eventually, she voices her cause of misery and if I am wrong, I try to apologize. Surely, it is not every issue in a relationship that can be easily resolved. My point however is that if you both make an effort to talk about grievances, your successes will be greater than your failures.

I am not a dating/relationship guru, but you don’t have to be one in order to succeed in a relationship. You just need to pay attention and learn to read others. Aspire to be a source of joy to the people in your life and not misery. Admit wrong doing if you are guilty and apologize. If you are upset about anything, speak up. When I was a kid, my mother used to say, ‘never let the sun set on your anger’. She has no idea how this has helped me in my life. I have come to realize that couples who don’t talk and resolve conflicts immediately, usually feud to a point where they have no idea what the cause of the problem is anymore. If you are observant, you will notice that most of our parents have this problem. They always had these useless and endless arguments over nothing which just made every other person around miserable. That is what happens when you let grievances pile up. So, aspire to maintain your friendship and fondness for one another, and every thing else will fall in place. Being friends means a lot of things but it also means acknowledging the fact that you are different people and therefore, you will not always agree on everything and that’s okay. You don’t have to agree on everything. You are not twins. Sometimes, allow things to be done your partner’s way. A relationship is not a competition and if you are the type that takes pride in always being right, you are creating a major problem for your relationship. Always remember that for you to always be right, your partner must always be wrong. Trust me, being wrong all the time is a terrible feeling for anybody and a major cause of discord. Even if you are the smartest genius to ever work the earth, you should be smart enough to know that no human being can be wrong all the time and that sometimes, you need to make your partner feel right. That way, he or she will be reassured that they are also contributing positively to your relationship. Nobody wants to be in a relationship with someone who is always right. Nobody.

Now, let us shift focus to the second part of this article which is sexual generosity. Sexual generosity is a major relationship builder. If couples were devoted to each other’s sexual happiness, the world will be a much better place and fewer relationships will be failing. Deliberately depriving your spouse or partner of sex or the joy of exploration will do nothing but ruin your relationship, and a lot of people are stuck in ruined relationships. If your partner makes a request or wants to try something new, think about it before rejecting the idea. Ask yourself questions like, ‘If I try it, what do I have to loose? If I try it, will it hurt me or my relationship? What if I try it and it turns out to be the most amazing thing yet? You never know. Generally speaking, women are the least adventurous when it comes to trying new things, which creates lots of problems in relationships. By adventurous, I am not talking about having sex in a church or on a railway track. But for crying out loud, don’t expect that you can have an exciting and mutually satisfying relationship by doing the same things over and over again.

In conclusion, sexual generosity just implies mutual commitment towards each other’s sexual happiness. There is something people don’t often realize. When your partner suggests that you try something new- maybe a new sexual position, a sex toy or whatever- and you are willing, deep within him or her, the feeling of being loved and cared for multiplies. The significance of your willingness to try that new thing goes beyond your sense of adventure. More than anything else, it is an indication of your commitment to the relationship. It is a sign that you care about your partner. By being willing, you make your partner feel validated and wanted. You make them feel like they can trust you with their most private selves. Always remember that it is not easy for anybody to request something new. Deep within each person is a fear of rejection and being judged. Be sensitive when you respond to a partner’s request and avoid criticism. Your reactions have huge psychological effects on your partner. Most of all, always remember that the success of your relationship lies in your willingness to periodically reinvent your sex life. When an invitation to do something different comes up, give a try at least once, if it does not endanger your life or relationship. If you give it your best and you still do not enjoy it, your partner will still appreciate you for trying. That is all that is required from anybody in a relationship. The willingness to try.

Excel in your relationship..

Morgan.